Pain, control, femmes.
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I like the hand on her back.

I like the hand on her back.

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Asdfkjkj, this picture, forever.

Asdfkjkj, this picture, forever.

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Lorelei Lee topping.

Lorelei Lee topping.

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Art by Remy. 

Art by Remy. 

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…is the part where Miss Honey and Matilda fall in love.

…is the part where Miss Honey and Matilda fall in love.

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It may make them sad that an adult and a girl in school uniform can only hold hands in public under the table, but it’s also part of the appeal.

It may make them sad that an adult and a girl in school uniform can only hold hands in public under the table, but it’s also part of the appeal.

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I love the polished floor - very boarding school.

I love the polished floor - very boarding school.

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Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

Another question where I’ve struggled to come up with an answer. I think it would be fair to say that I was sexually precocious in thought if not in deed, but that doesn’t necessarily hint at my kinks. I was, however, always attracted to a certain type of woman, generally some kind of authority figure, and I think my relationships with them, even as a child, are quite telling. I have always liked women who have known what to do when I’m sad, for example - a mummy issues thing, no doubt. And I was always attracted to women who crossed boundaries in terms of the remarks they made or in physical touch. Particularly, I think, when they would treat me as an equal some of the time - because I couldn’t always tell when that would stop, and I found (and find) that element of ‘not knowing the rules’ both difficult and exciting. I like authority structures, and rules, and find them calming - so part of what thrills me, what gets me off, is for them to be robbed of their inherent security. Then as now, ‘not knowing the rules’ hit my central kink of a power imbalance with a certain fluidity - with room for resistance and change. 

For example, at 8 years old I had a teacher with whom I got along very well - so well, in fact, that it didn’t look as if we liked each other at all. We would generally banter, or mock-argue, most of the time - including during classes. But how does this look different from a child just acting up? Without her responses, it didn’t. So there were times when I thought things were all in good fun right until I got told off. She certainly crossed physical boundaries too in a way that teachers generally didn’t at my school - she would tickle me or stroke my hair. Part of the pleasure of these interactions - certainly their sexual component - came from not really being able to stop her. If an adult tickles you, saying no isn’t (and wasn’t) enough. Wham - that’s issues of consent as a kink, right there. 

At the crux of the matter is something I read the other day by Grayson Perry that I thought was interesting, though I’m not sure I entirely agree with it: 

Most fetishes are about recreating the emotional dramas of childhood. I did a pot called “Strangely Familiar“ (2000) about S&M scenarios. What people do in those scenarios, though they may not realise it, is revisit and get sexually turned on by the structures of their traumatic childhoods.

I suppose what I’m saying is that these early relationships didn’t hint at my kinks so much as set up patterns/cycles which are still meaningful for me - right down to heavy elements of abandonment. In terms of more prosaic experiences, no, I can’t think of any hints. Corporal punishment was not a feature of my upbringing, though I was smacked occasionally. I never played games with friends that necessitated me being tied up. I was just already involved in the little psychodramas I now refer to as kink.

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